Boundaries – What else is it?
The greatest day in your life and mine is when we take total responsibility for our attitudes [thoughts, feelings, actions]. That is the day we truly grow up.
John C. Maxwell
In the first part of “Boundaries – What is it?” I spoke of choice – the fact that we all have a choice and the fact that we ALWAYS have a choice. The next pillar of boundaries is based on our ability to take complete responsibility for all your choices or put in a different way: Taking complete ownership for who we are and what we do.
Words used to define Responsible, Responsibility, Taking Responsibility are: Loyal, Blame / Ownership / Liability / Guilty, Duty, Dependability, Reliability, Trustworthiness, To take control, To take over, To take charge, To look after things.
What I would like to know is how do you define ‘taking responsibility’ for yourself? Have you ever really thought about what it means for you? I think we should all have a look at our own definitions of this word, because as I look at the list above, I see some pretty inspiring words, but in the same breath, I see some pretty loaded words that could easily get you into boundary trouble.
The written rule is: You are responsible TO others and responsible FOR only yourself. This means:
- I take only responsibility for me. I am the only one responsible for my thoughts, feelings, attitude and behaviour. No one can make me do or feel anything I don’t want to. I choose to submit to people’s guilt trips and emotional blackmail. If I am at choice, I can still choose to do so, but it is my choice and not their fault.
When I only take responsibility for me, it does not mean cold, selfish and uncompassionate. It does mean self-sufficient!
Back to definitions: Selfish = self centered self seeking, self interested, egotistical. Selfish is a process of taking everything for yourself to the detriment of others. Stepping on people with the overt intent to take for yourself. Me me me and bugger you.
Self-sufficient = independent, autonomous, self reliant and self contained. Self-sufficient means I can look after my own emotional needs. I can stand on my own two feet in a relationship and be more available to my partner, because I am not needy or emotionally demanding. Me and you. When I am taken care of – I have more to give.
- I control [am responsible for] me. When I am fully responsible for me it means that you [your words and moods] can’t control me anymore – I choose to act in a certain way, but the other side of the same coin is that I am responsible for getting my own needs, wants, desires and dreams met. If I don’t say what I want and I don’t get it – it is my own fault. Own your choices and don’t blame others or the environment.
Here’s an illustration we have all witnessed. Two people go out on a date. He asks “What do you want for dinner?” and she replies “I don’t mind, whatever you want….” So he goes for the Chinese Restaurant. If she really didn’t care about what type of food, then all is well, BUT if she was dying for Italian – we have a dilemma. Whose “fault” is it that she didn’t get Italian? His? He is a selfish brute for not considering her. If he knew her / loved her / considered her …… he would have known. NOT TRUE.
If she handed the responsibility for her life to others, she would blame him and resent him. If she takes full responsibility for her own well being, then she will know that if you don’t take it, no-one else is going to hand it to you.
If you don’t own up and say something out loud – for all intents and purposes, it does not exist.
Other examples in relationships are:
You should know what I mean? … Compared to: You should just say what you mean.
You know me better than anyone, why should I need to say it? … Because it is your responsibility, not mine.
What’s wrong? “Nothing!!!!”… Cool – then nothing is really wrong – end of conversation.
When someone misunderstands you and you respond with – “No, man, you know what I mean”…. It is your responsibility to say what you mean, not mine to figure out what you mean.
It isn’t my fault ….
He made me …..
Say what you mean and mean what you say.
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